It is like some sort of Guardian utopia: there are a limited number of cars and the speed limit is 25kmh so pedestrians and cyclists – the primary road users(!) We walk the few kilometres to the hill and begin our ascent. Arriving on Lord Howe Island, a 10km-long volcanic remnant about 600km off the coast of New South Wales, my mission was to write about spending 48 hours there. It’s after that notice something missing in the rainforest-like landscape: undergrowth. The track is closed because of “danger”. Ned’s Beach, where hordes of fish can be fed from the shore. Despite her understanding and extremely reasonable nature I still have low-level anxiety about the whole thing. I hate not having control over where and when I’m going. Then I scream and almost fall off the mountain. One has what looks like horns on its head which make its expression seem a bit sad. Instead I … The island is home to providence petrels, which will come straight to your feet and basically pose for a selfie because they have no cause to be afraid. The island’s restaurants all serve fish that is caught off the island, mostly on that day. The locals opposed have a distrust of authority, especially when it is people (ie government officials) coming from the mainland to tell them what should be done. I was not mentally prepared for how cut off the island is communications-wise, but for my gen X travelling companion, MQ as I shall call him, this was an integral part of the paradise. By this time I am off the track and perilously close to slipping over a cliff, which sounds dramatic but there is lots of scrub below to break my fall and bones before I would end up in the water. A rat has come sniffing to check me out. It happens occasionally on the island, which is why visitors are advised to buy travel insurance – despite it being a domestic trip from Australia. This also explains the many fish at Ned’s accustomed to humans. “They say they’re killing the wildlife but there is more birds and wildlife on this island than there ever was when I was a kid. “I like your hair,” a woman yells out on the makeshift main street on my first afternoon on the island. We ride our bikes down to Environmental Tours, where a glass-bottomed boat cruises out on the lagoon to tour different reefs. Hutton shakes his head warily. This day is notable for being the first time I connect to internet properly on my phone and am able to receive iMessages. The pricing isn’t oppressive, we paid $14 for enough steak for the both of us for one night when we cooked at the bungalow. It is raw and the best entree I eat on the island. Dinner that night is at Pandanus, the best value for money I find on the island. The third time it feels like a career death by weather. There is an honesty system for snorkels, wetsuits and paddleboards, meaning you put $10 in a box and help yourself. The first time you ring your boss and say you cannot come to work because you are trapped on a (sub)tropical island, it is amusing. Getting trapped on the island is not an everyday event and if, unlike me, you check the general weather patterns around the time of your planned visit you should be able to avoid it. It’s a stunning place, like something from a picture book, with waters actually the colour of turquoise – not the clear blue some writers lazily refer to as turquoise – and rolling green hills. It’s been a lovely long weekend, MQ and I agree. After the Wuss Island revelations we dine on medium rare steak (perfect) and kingfish with pigfish as the entree. Its swankiest room has a plunge pool, an outdoor bath, views across the lagoon and to the mountains from the bed and the option for on-deck dining and costs $1,300 a night for each person. Two Galápagos sharks cruise beneath me and fish of every colour and size come within swiping distance. The squarking becomes louder, almost as though it is coming straight for us. It’s windy but the rain has stopped so we decide to brave Intermediate Hill, where a new lookout has been built with 360-degree views of the island. A man picks us up in his ute. I didn’t go to the bottle shop, but there is one. “Nice jumper!” I hear several times on the third day. He’s on his way to milk the cows and tells us he is sixth generation on the island. Along the way we invent creative ways to kill each other while trapped and make a pact that if one of us gets a flight out they are allowed to go without the other with no reproach and the other one will make friends with a volleyball. It’s like a magpie, but slightly more hysterical. MQ and I laugh it off and continue on. A rat! I cannot emphasise enough that you should get travel insurance. This should have been the first clue to my extended stay but I am blissfully oblivious. The creamacotta comes in a hollowed-out eggshell! The espresso creamacotta at Arajilla Lodge. Almost half of the island's native plants are endemic and many of the island's unique plants grow on or around the mountain summits where the height has allowed the development of a true cloud forest and many different microhabitats from sea level to the summits. The start of the track forks into two paths but I do not notice and steam ahead. Another day, another 9.20am phone call to say we will not be flying today. “It’s a load of bull,” he says. The island is actually all-ages friendly, I was one of the youngest visitors to the island (at 27 and one week old) and saw people of decades on the hikes and dining out. We check into our bungalow at Earl’s Anchorage, near the main street, Anderson Road. I’m surprised to discover that I’m scared of big groups of medium-sized fish. It’s been 96 hours! The costs of all the rooms at Capella include breakfast, lunch, dinner and drinks and the menu changes daily according to the ingredients the chef has at hand. The island has a population of about 350 and, though I assume it would have the normal small town feuds and petty grievances, everyone seems genuinely happy, cheerfully saying hello to every person that passes. Before dinner we sit in on a presentation by the naturalist Ian Hutton, which leads to MQ and I rechristening Lord Howe as Wuss Island. It is a pretty stellar reason not to be able to show at work though. I squeal my way through the throng, scared that they, I don’t know, are going to nibble me? Or angrier. Entrees are sweet potato and coconut soup and for dessert there’s a triple chocolate torte with salted caramel burnt fig, vincotto spheres and espresso creamacotta. The waters are calm and if you make it past the rocks – which are not dangerous – you will find yourself hovering over red and green coral with fish to match. Originally from a country town myself, this small community is the Shane Warne on Tinder of friendliness. The island is child-friendly, with everything from bikes to hikes catering for the kids. Lord Howe Island Marine Park staff assisted shark researchers from The University of Western Australia to follow movements of dart-tagged sharks caught in the park. Lord Howe Island is a distinct terrestrial ecoregion known as the Lord Howe Island subtropical forests. The island does have one blight, in the form of 70,000 rats. We turn around and see a brown long-beaked squarking bird coming straight for us. Four are from my father. The co-op also sells small cups of oil for 85 cents if you choose to cook at your accommodation. Before the hike we picked up ham and salad rolls from the Anchorage restaurant. The damn thing turns on us again. “It’s a social argument, not a scientific one,” he says. On a 10km-long island. At Arajilla I have, no word of a lie, the best kingfish I have eaten in my life. It scurries away as quickly as I scream and descend. We learn that there are no natural predators here. “PROTECT ME!! The second time, it is kind of OK, ha ha, the jokes about Gilligan are a little less exuberant. The bird turns around and comes straight for us again. The winds are rising and the dark clouds are nearing but we’re told the boat will make it out and back before it gets too bad. MQ and I shrug it off. At Pandanus, beer is $6 and that night the kitchen is serving up Asian fusion cuisine. Bridie Jabour at Kim’s Lookout on day two of her 168 hours on Lord Howe. It is the point of the long weekend where empty promises to yourself start being made; I’ll stop eating dessert and drinking red wine when I get back to the mainland; I’ll exercise five times a week; I’ll write 1,000 words a week that are not work-related. The island was stunning, like something out of a picture book. We look out over another mountain, we look out over ocean, we look down to what I would like to say is a secret beach but I’m sure all the locals know about it – reachable only by climbing up and down a mountain then bush bashing for a bit. I am missing the internet and conversations with people who aren’t MQ so much that I keep her on the phone as long as possible. There could be as many as 120,0000. It’s not a proper paradise, though. I brace myself for the flood, estimating 56 will come through. 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